Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
