rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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