I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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