The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
