At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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