Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
