maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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