I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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