If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
