My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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