If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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