Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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