He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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