anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
