i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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