Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just cut my nipple shaving
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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