i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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