I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
