the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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