Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
