Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
