i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
