Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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