I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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