1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Of course I have a pirate flag
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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