Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
