I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
