Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
