She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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