They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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