I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She told me I should be a condom model.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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