I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
