i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
