i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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