nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
