You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
