Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
