I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
