I faked an abortion last night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
