i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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