I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
