Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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