if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
