Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
