This dress was meant to end up on your floor
operation harelip BJ is a go
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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