i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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