i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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