at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
