wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
