He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
